You decided you needed a Siberian Husky, Chihuahua, German Shepherd, Dachshund or rescue dog in your life?
What does that say though, about you as a person?
Hi, I’m the VeryRealVet. And I’m here to judge you without ever having met you.
The Siberian Husky
My number one dog breed that you don’t want to live nextdoor to.
Or even in the same neighborhood, really. Husky owners find time for hoovering. 5am? Hoover time. Lunch break? Hoover time. Wife’s waters just broken and she imminently about to give birth?
Hoover time. The other thing that husky owners find time for is exercise. I don’t think I’ve ever met a husky owner who wasn’t ripped (although much like the mythical dog-hair-free sofa, I’m sure they do exist). It’s just as well really, since the husky requires an extreme amount of physical exertion on a daily basis to tire him-or-herself out and avoid the very real prospect of a 4am howling spree. I vote husky owners as Most Likely To Encounter Problems With The Local Council.
Good things come in small packages. Nobody knows this quite as acutely as the chihuahua owner (not that he has anything to be compensating for).
Just like their teeny tiny compadres, chi-chi owners make up for what they lack in size with their larger than life personalities…and their ridiculous longevity. Chihuahuas are the dog world’s Blue Zone inhabitants; they just keep living, even long after their natural lifespan has passed, and generations of lesser breeds (here’s looking at you, bulldogs) have come and gone.
Like an ancient and revered Redwood tree, the chihuahua truly has seen it all. Except for his left eye. He can’t see out of his left eye, on account of the cataract.
The German Shepherd (Alsatian)
Hey man, why is your dog standing to attention? Oh, he does that sometimes.
Yeah man but, he’s watching me…Oh, you’re fine. Just don’t make any sudden movements. Or, you know…look him in the eye.
German Shepherd owners control their dogs through a highly secretive combination of voodoo and mind control. In their own lives, they are known for wearing camouflage jackets, and running family gatherings with military precision.
They take pride in the little things, such as ensuring their watches run at exactly Greenwich Mean Time (right down to the second), and in scaring young children and elderly ladies over to the other side of the road.
The Sausage Dog (Dachshund)
Britain’s most popular dog breed to accidentally tread on; sausage owners have to be careful where they put their feet.
This quirky breed was originally bred to hunt badgers, although, if I were a badger, I’m not sure I’d be able to take that entirely seriously. Oh, really? You came here to hunt me? Let me just get my razor sharp fangs and claws ready, and I’ll meet you at the entrance to the den in a second.
Proud Dachshund parents make up 99% (please note, this figure is entirely fabricated) of the audience at the annual Wienerschnitzel Weiner Nationals (it’s a real thing!)
Sausage dog owners aren’t usually vegetarian, but tend not to eat frankfurters because that would be barbaric.
The We Rescued Him From Lithuania
Their first dog was from an RSPCA branch forty miles away, but clearly, that wasn’t far enough. Always breaking boundaries, geographical and otherwise, the Overseas Rescue’s owner is happiest in a wholefoods shop, and once took a gap year – well, a gap two months – in Southeast Asia. They have the hand painted tribal bone bead necklace to prove it. Of course it’s not plastic. These are shark teeth, obvs.
It will soon become apparent that you don’t really need to ask the We Rescued Him’s owner about the origins of their pet, because they will tell you uninvited. “My cousin in law recommended this fab overseas adoption company. It’s where they got their gorgeous labraschnauzerdoodle-cross-staffie, you know. His name’s Darius, that’s lithuanian for ‘good’”.
“Oh, really? Thats…good. So what your one called, then?”“Oh, his name is Irma. It’s lithuanian for ‘great’…and look, I’ve also got it tattooed on my ankle in mandarin’”.
If you don’t share this post a baby panda will (probably) fall out of a tree…
Where would you like to head next??: